The Quest Continues...

Ok, so my quest to get free stuff is still on, lest you think I’ve grown faint hearted over the non-response from Susie Fogelson of the Food Network. In fact, it took a bit of a serious turn last week, while I was dining at one of my favorite restaurant chains.

We ate as a family at Carrabba’s Italian Grill, where we were seated next to the open kitchen. One of the chefs was talking rather loudly, and my son overheard some less than appropriate language. And while I won’t go into great detail (partially out of respect for my still favorite restaurant), it involved the word penis and some mild profanity. Had I been alone, or simply with my wife, it would’ve rolled off my back like rain drops on a freshly waxed windshield. However, I was with my kids and had to do some explaining that I didn’t really care to do while eating my eggplant pizza (I know what you’re thinking… seriously, it rocks!). So, being the activist that I now am, I submitted an online comment to the Carrabba’s corporate office.

Today, the phone rings, and it’s the manager of the restaurant. He’s extremely apologetic and wants me to describe the perpetrator to him. So I start feeling guilty, right? Like I’m going to be responsible for someone losing their job. Then he says to me, “look… don’t worry… I’m not going to fire him, I just want to teach him what’s acceptable and what’s not. So we go through the whole story and I’m thinking to myself, “I sure hope Isaac heard this guy right.” I’d really hate to get someone in trouble for something they didn’t do. But the bottom line is this… I now have a dinner for 2 at Carrabba’s. Can you say, “rock on!”?

So, after you’re done showing your support for McD’s (see blog below), please go have yourself a nice Italian dinner at Carrabba’s.

McDonald's Writes Back

So… in case you’re following the “Free Stuff from Big Companies Chronicles”, here’s the latest from McDonalds…

Dear Mr. Dismukes:

Thank you for your complimentary letter. We’re delighted to learn that you enjoy eating at McDonald’s.

Our Menu Management team works very hard to develop great-tasting, top-quality food products that meet the many tastes of the nearly 50 million people we serve each day. Our restaurant employees aim to serve you the hottest, freshest food, served quickly and with a smile, like only McDonald’s can! It’s nice to receive your comments and know our efforts are appreciated.

Again, Mr. Dismukes, thanks for contacting McDonald’s. We look forward to serving you again soon under the Golden Arches.

Sincerely,

Sarah R Schupp

Customer Satisfaction Representative

Enclosed in the letter was a “Be Our Guest” card, entitling me to one large sandwich of my choosing. So, while the response was vague and in no way answered my concerns about the economy, I am touched by the generosity that was afforded me by the mega-behemoth that is McDonalds. And even though I did not receive a tee shirt (or a sandwich for my wife), I highly encourage you to go to your nearest McDonalds for lunch tomorrow to show your support for the company that went the extra mile to ‘give back’. Buy yourself a Big Mac or a chocolate milk shake. And while you’re there, tell ‘em that Ben sent you… and that he sends his regards to Sarah Schupp.

Response #1

Response #1 - from the folks at Wrigley (which apparently owns the Altoids brand, unbeknownst to me.)

Dear Mr. Dismukes,

Thank you for taking the time to reach out and request samples of Altoids® Ginger Mints. Altoids® Ginger Mints has been a very popular product and we appreciate your interest in it.

Unfortunately, because Wrigley receives many thousands of requests for samples from around the world, it's simply not possible for us to supply all of this free product and it wouldn't be fair for us to give to a few and not others. While we sincerely wish we could be more helpful, we won't be able to provide you with the samples that you requested.

If you have any additional questions or comments please feel free to contact us at 1-800-WRIGLEY Monday through Friday from 8:30 a.m. to 5 p.m. CST. Thank you again.

Sincerely,
Angela Brooks
Consumer Affairs Representative

Needless to say, I'm more than a bit disappointed in their response... which is why I chose to fight back. Apparently, this is not uncommon, seeing as how the email included a link to a website on which I could post a rebuttal... a 255 character rebuttal... but a rebuttal nonetheless:


Angela... seriously? That's it? That's all you can say? No sample pack? No coupon? Come on! I bet you dole out freebies to your family all the time. Who's gonna know I'm not family? Just this once... PLEASE!! Times are tough and my breath stinks!

The Mutually Beneficial Agreement

Today is day 4 of my quest for free stuff. I'm trying a new "approach" to asking each day, and today's method - the mutually beneficial agreement...

Dear Food Network,

Please forward this to the someone in Marketing who has enough clout to make weighty decisions. This is not a joke… it is a serious request.

Dear Food Network Marketing Executive (hopefully the lovely Susie Fogelson),

I’ve been a loyal fan of the Food Network for years. I was watching cooking shows on your network before it was considered ‘cool’ – back when Bobby Flay was just some guy on Grillin’ and Chillin’… back when Ready, Set, Cook was an innovate, although highly unappreciated, new game show… and back when Iron Chef (the original) was still making its blossoming American audience squirm at the thought of eating squid ink and bonito flake ice cream. I say all this not to brag, but to make the point that I am and have been for years, a devoutly loyal fan.

I’m sure you’re overwhelmed on almost a daily basis by croaker sacks full of viewer mail. And one could hardly blame you if were more than a bit put off at the idea that some Joe on the street felt as if he were in a position to demand an autographed copy of Paula Dean’s latest cookbook or perhaps pitch an idea for a new cooking show, showcasing only Lithuanian cuisine. So let me assure you. I am not seeking an autograph, nor am I here to pitch an idea for a show. I am simply looking for a mutually beneficial arrangement - an“I’ll scratch your back, you scratch mine” kind of a deal.

What I propose is this: please send me something… like a Food Network T-shirt or a Food Network pen or a Food Network oven mitt – anything you have with your brand on it. What I’m looking for is the satisfaction of saying, “hey, I wrote Food Network and look what they sent.” What I offer in return, is an invaluable branding opportunity you might otherwise miss. Wherever I go in my Food NetworkT-shirt or whatever occasion I might have to pull out my Food Network pen, I assure you that a conversation will ensue through which I promise (I will even put it in writing if it strengthens my position) to encourage those around me to tune in and watch some of the many wonderful programs your network offers. And while I make no quantifiable guarantees, I will say that I can be quite persuasive.

Thank you for your time, and I thank you in advance for the t-shirt.

Kind Regards,

Ben Dismukes

PS – I wear a men’s large.

PPS – If Susie ever actually reads this, could she send me an ‘on-air sign’ on the new season of “The Next Food Network Star” – like maybe flash a peace sign or give a little wink into the camera. That would rock!

The Environmental Appeal

Today's letter of supplication is directed at Altoids - the curiously strong breath mints. Actually, it's directed at the people behind the mints. The approach - the conscientious environmentalist.

Dear Altoids,

I discovered you about 14 years ago, while gallivanting around Europe as a young twenty-something in search of adventure. Thanks to you and your incredibly ingenious trademark minty flavors, my life has been deeply enriched. You see, it was on the same excursion on which I discovered your breath mints that I met the woman who would later become my wife. Coincidence? Maybe, but who knows what might have resulted had my breath not been so clean and minty fresh. I might well have found rejection instead of love. So it is with a debt of gratitude that I write to you today.

For years, you’ve been my number one fresh breath provider. I cringe to think of all the rancid air you’ve spared the world from over that time. And I’m just one person. Imagine assembling all Altoid users world-wide and taking away their breath mints for a few days. Then have them all breathe into an apparatus that could extract the stink from the air. Can you fathom the collective funk of such an extraction? That’s what you mean to the world. So, I think we all owe you our deepest thanks.

In fact, I’m quite confident the environment would be in a critical state… as well as a stanky state… if not for you folks and your marvelous mints. Think of what all that putrid breath would have on global warming. Talk about melting ice caps. You rock, Altoids!

In return for rocking so hard, I’m now asking that you consider sending me a courtesy tin of passion fruit sours, or perhaps a tin of ginger mints. You don’t have to, and I sure don’t think that you owe me or anything crazy like that. However, it would be really nice of you. And I have been a loyal customer for years and years. Either way, I’ll still trust my breath to you guys. I mean… I’m just sayin…

Looking forward to hearing back from you.

Thanks always,

Ben Dismukes

PS-I would also like a cool Altoids T-Shirt, please (free advertising for you guys). I’m a large.

Big Mac, Anyone?

As you may or may not know (depending on how often you read this blog), I am on a mission to get as much free stuff as I possibly can. I haven't heard from the Starbucks folks yet, but it hasn't even been 24 hours yet, so no worries there. Today's project... McDonalds. Given their website comment form restrictions, I'll have to send this via snail mail, but here's a sneak peak.

Today's approach: the humanitarian appeal.

Dear folks at McDonalds,


According to your website, “We all have a duty to act responsibly. To do good. Participate in the lives of others. It’s about taking pride in the world we live in, and dealing with the important issues. It’s about being there for us.” And while I’m not so sure I would have put a comma between the ‘in’ and the ‘and’ in the 4th sentence, I appreciate the sentiment, nonetheless.


It’s in the spirit of this quote that I’m writing you good folks today. In times such as these, we’ve all got to band together and do what’s necessary to get by. Most of us have lost our faith in the financial and economic systems which, just a few years back, seemed to be indestructible. Many of us have lost our jobs. Some have lost homes. But despite it all, we each maintain the common thread that binds us together. We’re a brotherhood (and I use the term in the most gender neutral way I can think of). And as brothers, we rely on each other when times are tough.


As such, I am swallowing my pride and asking McDonalds Corporation for help. I don’t want millions of dollars, even though I have a reliable source that tells me that you guys are actually doing pretty well right now. But I would like a helping hand. Please send me 2 gift certificates that can be redeemed at the restaurant of my choosing, so that me and a guest can enjoy a Big Mac together. I promise that, while there, I will spend some of my own money on some other product, such as a coke or some fries, or maybe even a ‘Baked Apple Pie’. I love your pies. I remember when they were called ‘Hot Apple Pies’. I’m kinda’ old school.


I have always been a huge fan of your restaurants. Sure, there’s the occasional over-cooked French fry, or the slightly stale bun. But by and large, when you walk into a Mickey D’s, you know what you’re getting, and I, for one, truly appreciate that.


Keep up the good work, and thank you in advance for the gift certificates.


Yours truly,


Ben Dismukes


PS – If you have any McD’s t-shirts lying around, I would like one of those too. I’m a large.