The Environmental Appeal

Today's letter of supplication is directed at Altoids - the curiously strong breath mints. Actually, it's directed at the people behind the mints. The approach - the conscientious environmentalist.

Dear Altoids,

I discovered you about 14 years ago, while gallivanting around Europe as a young twenty-something in search of adventure. Thanks to you and your incredibly ingenious trademark minty flavors, my life has been deeply enriched. You see, it was on the same excursion on which I discovered your breath mints that I met the woman who would later become my wife. Coincidence? Maybe, but who knows what might have resulted had my breath not been so clean and minty fresh. I might well have found rejection instead of love. So it is with a debt of gratitude that I write to you today.

For years, you’ve been my number one fresh breath provider. I cringe to think of all the rancid air you’ve spared the world from over that time. And I’m just one person. Imagine assembling all Altoid users world-wide and taking away their breath mints for a few days. Then have them all breathe into an apparatus that could extract the stink from the air. Can you fathom the collective funk of such an extraction? That’s what you mean to the world. So, I think we all owe you our deepest thanks.

In fact, I’m quite confident the environment would be in a critical state… as well as a stanky state… if not for you folks and your marvelous mints. Think of what all that putrid breath would have on global warming. Talk about melting ice caps. You rock, Altoids!

In return for rocking so hard, I’m now asking that you consider sending me a courtesy tin of passion fruit sours, or perhaps a tin of ginger mints. You don’t have to, and I sure don’t think that you owe me or anything crazy like that. However, it would be really nice of you. And I have been a loyal customer for years and years. Either way, I’ll still trust my breath to you guys. I mean… I’m just sayin…

Looking forward to hearing back from you.

Thanks always,

Ben Dismukes

PS-I would also like a cool Altoids T-Shirt, please (free advertising for you guys). I’m a large.