I Have A Question

Dear Blah, Blah, Blog fans,

Recently, I have entered a new realm of civic involvement. I am volunteering my time by serving on a steering committee responsible for the establishment of a charter school in my home town. In assuming this new role, I have, on more than one occasion, had to ask for things I might not have considered asking people for previously. For instance, I recently asked someone to donate about 15 acres of land to our cause. Fearing rejection of the harshest kind, I was shocked to receive a quiet but sure “Ok.”

I am now empowered by this amazingly simple and effective concept.

My favorite book says, “you have not because you ask not.” Armed with a surprisingly confident resolve that often reminds my inhibitions, “the worst they can do is say no,” I am now headed on a journey of discovery.

Friends, I’m inviting you to join me as I seek to push the envelope of this brave new world. Over the next few weeks, I plan to send letters to various companies and individuals, asking for free stuff. I’ll try many different approaches, sending appeals of various natures in a number of directions. But throughout, the mission will remain the same: see how much free stuff I can get.

My first attempt, naturally, is Starbucks. The following is an actual letter I sent to corporate just minutes ago. My appeal is based not so much in honesty as it is in showcasing my story-telling abilities. Some of the “facts” may be “slightly exaggerated”. In any case, we’ll see if it results in anything free.

Dear Coffee Moguls at Starbucks Inc.,

I bet you’re thinking, “Oh no! Another customer writing about the dirty bathrooms in our El Paso store,” or, “Probably some freak who’s mad that he can’t get a peppermint latte in the Spring.” Well, let me put your minds at ease gentlepeople. I am writing neither to inform you of dirty johns, nor to gripe about the seasonality of peppermint flavoring. On the contrary, I’m writing to let you know… you had me at “Grande Raspberry Mocha Frappuccino’.

I remember the first time I walked into one of your stores. I was young and inexperienced, and like a first year sailor at his first port of call, I was overwhelmed with sights and smells I never dreamed possible. A little nervous as those around me spoke a bizarre new language, ordering what I deemed to be “just coffee”, I eventually mustered enough courage to approach a girl, also known as a “barista”, to place an order. “Grande Hazelnut Latte,” I said with an air of fake confidence, oblivious as to what manner of drink I might receive. A few minutes later, when my order was up, I surveyed my prize with hesitancy. I had never seen a drink like this, let alone tasted one. Intrigued, I pressed forward. I raised the cup to my mouth, and the last thing I remember was the sweet, sweet aroma that wafted my nostrils as I soared to unheralded caffeine heights. Instantly, I was hooked… a junkie.

My addiction began with lattes… but I quickly moved on to Mochas, Macchiatos and Frappuccinos. I was buzzin’ hard and often. I had never paid so much for coffee and soon found I needed a way to support my habit. I started turning tricks on the street, but street magicians in my home town are not exactly in high demand – especially after the David Blaine incident. I ended up in accounting at a software company, surrounded by other junkies. We hit the Starbucks party scene hard, every day between 10:00 and 10:15. I was livin’ high and thought it would never end.

But then the economy went down and I told my hommies, “yo man, Bush be trippin’”. And dey was like, “fo’ rizzle.” And then I got a pink slip, and I had to move back to my home town of Nowhere, USA, population nobody. The closest Starbucks is 40 miles away, and while detox was hard, I’d go back to the bottle… er… paper cup… any day. If only I could.

This is my cry for help. Please give a brother a break and send me a gift card for a free coffee… or two (my wife says to say ‘hello’).

Thank you,

PS – I really, really, would like a Starbucks T-Shirt too, if it’s not too much to ask. Think of it as free advertisement.