Just a few weeks ago, my wife was given the chance of a lifetime to embark on a ‘some expense paid, 1 week trip’ to beautiful Norway, land of the midnight sun. Her sister, who apparently is a pretty big deal at Vandalay Industries (name changed on account of the fact that I was threatened by the goons at her company... something about national security), was given a work assignment in Norway (who goes to Norway on business… honestly?), and my mother in law thought it would be a great idea to make me stay home with 4 of the rowdiest kids east of the Mississippi, so she offered to take Heather along on an all girls excursion to Scandinavia. And given that I had no say in the matter whatsoever, I readily agreed. (In all seriousness, I was extremely glad to give Heather a much needed vacation from our children, but deep down, I trembled over the thought of being left alone with them.)
Leading up to the day of departure, I handled myself pretty well. In retrospect, I was probably either in denial, or just eager to get the whole thing over with – kinda like when you were a kid and you knew you were eventually going to have to eat your green beans, so you just manned up and choked them down quickly so as not to ruin the rest of your dinner. I kissed my wife good-bye, feeling up to the task at hand. Thirty minutes later (I kid you not), a cold chill went up my spine and I reached for the phone. As my wife answered on the other end, I confessed, “I just now realized what I’ve agreed to… is it too late to change my mind?” It was.
That first night wasn’t so bad – mostly because 2 of my girls spent the night off with family. The next day was much the same. The fewer the number of children in the house, the easier it is on everybody. My week started in earnest on Sunday, and I have to say, I aced my first test. By 6:30 Sunday night, the kids were fed (well, mind you - chicken scallopini over pasta with peas), the baby had been bathed and ready for bed, the kitchen was clean, the older girls were in the shower, and everybody’s lunches for the following day were packed and in the fridge. Oh, and just to make things challenging, I had planted a row of broccoli and a row of swiss chard in our garden. Granted, I think I was trying to prove something to myself (either that I was the best Dad and husband ever, or that I could handle any amount of pain heaped upon me by my tormentors), but thus far, my week alone with the children had been a blistering success.
Monday night, however, came quickly – more quickly than I had anticipated. And, as everyone knows, Mondays just plain ol’ suck – there’s just no other way of saying it, and this was a Monday for the books. It all started that afternoon, when I picked up Gracie from the sitter, while talking to Heather on the phone. Gracie loved hearing Mama’s voice, but was beside herself when we hung up and Mama all of sudden disappeared. She screamed the entire ride home (a 10 minute drive). Abby, our 4 year old, was so mad over the screaming, she lectured me for half of that ride for letting the baby talk to Mom. (Mom had been known as ‘the M word’ up to that moment, because just the mere mention of the name ‘Mama’ made Gracie cry). I don’t know if you’ve ever been trapped in close quarters with a screaming baby AND a precocious 4 year old who thinks it’s her place to lecture you, but it’s not what I would call a peaceful experience. In fact, I would liken it more to a prostate exam (for those of you who are wondering, yes I have had one and no I most certainly did NOT enjoy it or the incredibly anxious moments leading up to it). By the time we arrived at Isaac’s and Emily’s school, both the screaming and the scolding had come to a halt, mercifully. However, the fun was just beginning.
As my son, now in the 6th grade, climbed into the truck, he informed me that: a) he got a zero on his project (what project?!!) because I didn’t remind him to do it and b) I would have to take him to his Grandaddy's tonight so he could do research and print out ‘stuff’ on the computer so he could finish his project tonight and turn it in the next day for a merciful upgrade from his zero (we don’t have a functional printer at our house, probably because we have so many kids), and c) I was to stop at the store and buy him poster board and markers. I yelled at him for letter a, refused to entertain the idea of letter b, and dutifully complied with letter c. I then asked when this project had been assigned. “Um… Friday I think,” he said, and if it sounds a bit suspicious to you now, imagine how I felt as I heard his mouth form the words, complete with fishy sounding pauses. And just as my Mom did to me thousands of times when I was young and ‘forgetful’, I gave him an earful on the way home and took away TV and video game rights for 1 week. Once we got home, I made him call his teacher to apologize and beg for more time (no way in heck I was spending the night at my Dad’s with 4 kids when there was so much to do at home… geez that sounded an awful lot like my wife!).
As my son called a left a message for his teacher, I began cooking dinner – it probably would have been a good idea to either skip dinner or order out, but I’m a lean, mean cooking machine, and I relish the peace that comes with firing up the stove and creating something to eat. I knew I would have to hurry, as I was scheduled to call in to a school board meeting. I was supposed to attend, but the board chair had mercy on me and told me I could just call in since my hands were full with no one to help out at home. As our stir fry was in full flame, the phone rang. It was Isaac’s teacher. Turns out the project was assigned 2 weeks ago and not on Friday as I had been told. As dinner began burning, she gracefully gave me an extension on my… I mean Isaac’s project, and I promised that he would spend the next few days in her class after school until the stupid project was done. I actually think I said the word ‘stupid’, but it’s okay, she understood. After hanging up, I took the burned stir fry off the stove and quickly informed my son that his restriction was now for 2 weeks. Fearing that the point had not been made well enough, I proceeded to lecture the heck out of him once more.
As the burnt dinner cooled a bit, I reached for the phone to call in to the board meeting. As soon as the board chair picked up the phone, all hell broke loose. Gracie started screaming again… loudly… in the phone… as she clung to my leg with all of her strength. I picked her up and calmed her down just in time for my other 2 girls to start screaming from the back of the house. As I turned to see what was going on, Abby came running towards me shouting at the top of her lungs, “Daddy, daddy, come quick. Emily’s stomach is hurt, but it wasn’t me!” I prematurely exited the board meeting and went to the girls' room where my 9-year old, Emily, was in a heap on the floor, crying hysterically. Now, you should know that Emily has the pain threshold of a porcelain doll. Everything hurts her… extremely. And we’ve learned to deal with it in our own special way – by tuning it out. But, as I was unsuccessful in my first attempt to ignore the situation, I delved deeper and discovered that she had been popped by the hook on the end of a bungee cord on her arm and again in her stomach. Bungee chord injuries can be quite serious, so I had mercy. Her arm was instantly bruised, and it took several minutes to ease the suffering brought on by her stomach injury. Once I did, the accusations started flying like bird poo after a car wash. Emily blamed Abby, and Abby blamed Emily, and all of my interrogation techniques got me no closer to the truth. At one point, I almost had to separate the girls from each other as they hurled accusations at one another and tempers flared. Desperate for some wisdom, I offered up a frantic prayer. The Lord had mercy. Having had enough of Monday already, I offered up this simple solution in a voice that was… well, raised to say the least. “You girls have GOT to learn to tell the truth. I asked a simple question… which one of you is responsible for this (pointing to Emily’s injuries)? And all I get are lies from one of you. Well, I’ve had enough. In my house, as long as you’re lying, you don’t eat. And since I don’t know who’s lying, neither one of you will eat until I know the truth!” Actually, at this point, I should probably confess that I vaguely remember saying that liars go to hell, although I was immediately shocked and repentant over such a monstrous suggestion (believe me, I was desperate enough to try ANYTHING to get the truth out of them and go on with the evening). But the whole idea of withholding dinner until the truth came out was Solomonic in grandeur. I then fed the baby the slightly burnt dinner very slowly and very enticingly. Abby finally gave way to her hunger and told me the whole truth. It went something like this, “Daddy… well, I just remembered something… well… actually… AFTER Emily was swinging the bungee chord (which she had previously maintained was the cause of the injury), I was swinging it really hard… and I think… yes… I think… it might have… no… it did… it did hit Emily on the arm and then again in the stomach.” Victory! The truth was out in the open. Another scolding. I was quickly growing weary of the scoldings.
After dinner, I couldn't get anything done in the house, because Gracie was clinging to me like a leech... literally... I couldn't peel her off - she's very strong. So I gave in to her demands and cuddled her on our couch, and she repayed the favor by pooping nasty acidic poo. It burned her, and she screamed again… loudly. I changed her and she had bad rash. The kids scoured the house for butt paste and came up with baby powder and some other cream stuff. She winced when I put the baby powder on and then looked at me like I had no idea what I was doing. After all, Mom never uses the powder stuff. Then I squirted the cream on her, and she giggled - the first ray of sunshine of the evening. I then went to put her to bed only to realize that her sheets, which had been washed that morning due to the fact that she had wet them the night before, had not yet been dried. So I popped them into the dryer and went back to the couch for another round of cuddling. Eventually everyone made it to bed, and all I could do was just lay on the couch, pining away for my wife and the good ol’ days when there were 2 adults in the house.
Relatively speaking, the next couple of days were uneventful. No more phone calls to Mom for the baby. No more forgotten projects. No more call in board meetings, and no more bungee chord injury cover ups. And by Friday morning, I was convinced that I had survived the most dangerous mission I had ever embarked on. And then… I got… the call.
There are moments that have forever been etched into the very core of my conscious awareness. The very mention of these scenarios provoke memories of every little detail surrounding said moments. Such occurences include: the Reagan assassination attempt, the day the Challenger blew up, September 11, 2001 and now among these tragedies is the moment I’m about to describe.
The voice on the other end of the line was that of our kids’ school secretary. “You’re going to have to come pick up Emily,” she said awkwardly, “she has… lice.” Immediately, I went into denial. My mind went crazy. “Did she say rice? I sent them to school with pizza. Was Emily the victim of some horrible lunchroom trade?” All these thoughts raced through my mind as the wheels of my brain started smoking from the dangerously high rpm’s. All that came out, however, was a very eloquent, “wha…?”
As I raced to the school, I thought of the gravity of the moment. “What if I have to shave my head,” I thought to myself. “I’d look terrible bald. My head is flat in the back and I’d probably look like a skinny Joe Rockhead, Fred Flinstone’s bald next door neighbor (opposite side from the Rubbles).” Then I came to my senses and directed all of my mental attention towards dealing with the problem. As I opened the door of the school, Emily was sitting at the front desk in tears. These weren’t hysterical tears, however. There were tears of shame and embarrassment, and with no Mom around, I knew I would have to muster up every bit of nurturing I could possibly muster. I hugged her hard and told her everything was going to be okay. I assured her that there was absolutely nothing wrong with her or dirty about her. And on the inside, I prayed hard that I wouldn’t get lice from clinging to my little girl. As we drove home, I wondered who else among us would get or already had lice. As I did, my head began to itch.
Turns out, the 2 older girls had it, but nobody else did. I stripped them and put them into the tub. Then I began the very long, drawn out treatment. I lathered up their hair with the recommended shampoo, then they sat there in the tub for at least 15 minutes (per the instructions) while the pesticides did their worst on those creepy looking bugs. Meanwhile, my Mom, who had taken pity on me and had come over to help out, began stripping the kids’ bedding and bagging up all their clothes and stuffed animals. As the girls sat there awaiting the rest of the treatment, my wife called… from Norway. You remember… she’s away on a pleasure tour of the fjords and… the… other stuff they have in Norway, while I’m at home dealing with screaming kids and miniature bugs that look like prehistoric, flesh eating lobsters. I answered with a chipper, “you have no idea what my day has been like, while you’ve been off gallivanting around Europe!” I think I ended the conversation with a “I hope you appreciate what I’ve done for you!”
After the phone call, I began the rinsing and combing through process. Holy cow! The stinking bugs weren’t dying. They were still alive and crawling as I picked them out one by one with the little plastic nit comb (I now know where the phrase ‘nit-picking’ comes from, and I wish I didn’t). I panicked. Now what? I googled. Turns out lice are becoming immune to the pesticides we used to treat our kids.
Huh? Who knew?
So I quickly began to look for an alternative treatment. I learned that olive oil is a natural lice killer. It suffocates both the bugs and their demonic little eggs. So, I coated the girls’ heads with olive oil, popped a shower cap on them, and let them sit in front of the tv on old beach towels for the next couple of hours. Afterwards, I picked through their hair again like an obsessive little red-bottomed baboon. This time, however, I was picking out dead bugs – by the handful. It was one of the grosser things I’ve done in my life. In the end, I think I picked about a hundred bugs out of my precious little girls’ hair.
The remainder of my time alone with the children was spent reapplying olive oil, combing through every strand of hair one by one, shampooing and rinsing the kids’ hair about 3 more times. When it was all said and done, I think I logged about 5 hours of nit-picking time, which was definitely an experience I’ll always remember. In the end, however, I won and the lice lost. Even better, however, was the return of my wife that next night. I hugged her long and hard and haven’t lifted a finger to help out with the kids since. Ha! Actually, that’s not even remotely true. (read on – I promise you’re almost done!)
My week alone with my kids was a gift from the Lord, lice and all. I would not trade that time with my kids for all the riches in the world. All the anxiety of Monday, as well as the day I call ‘battle lice’, proved to be an experience I will always remember with fondness. It was a week I share with my kids and my kids alone, and no one can ever take that away from us. My wife is the greatest treasure of my life, aside from the treasure I have in my relationship with the Lord. She deserved her time away from me and the children, and I would readily consent for another week. She deserved the time with her Mom and her sister, and I know that they, too, built memories that they’ll carry with them for the rest of their lives. The Lord taught me a lot during this week – about what I’m capable of when I put my mind to it, about how much my wife means to me and our family, but most of all, He taught me that nothing replaces the time we spend with the ones we love. I relish the time I’ve been given with those I love the most. God help me to live each day with them as if it were my last.
